Welcome back to Shed U! Today, it’s all about key words. These might not make you a spelling bee champ, but they are good to know….
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love making up new words and new definitions for old words. (“Stumblers” remains my all-time favorite.) This has made me a huge fan of Urban Dictionary. I first got into it sophomore year of college when I used it to explain to the white guy in my dorm why “skeet” is not an appropriate thing to shout in public on a regular basis. I’ve loved it ever since. I was browsing the other day and came across some goodies of the Shed variety. I took my favorites straight from the site. Get ready to make some index cards!
Gym: A holy temple to those who do not have a serious job and are not attending college. A gym usually has free weights, weight machines, benches, and a track or track machines for cardio workouts. Do not be one of the idiots who goes there just to bench press…that is a guido workout and will give you nothing but man boobs.
Workout: Any time a person, place, or thing beats the holy hell out of something.
Exercise: 1. (noun) Something you don’t do because you spend too much time on the Internet. 2. (verb) To pleasure oneself. Ex: “I’m gonna go home and exercise my penis.”
Fit: The British version of “hot.” Ex: “That girl is fit!”
Muscle: Someone paid or in service to protect and/or do the physical hardships of another. Ex: “Joe’s got a hired muscle outside his bar.”
Steroids: A muscle-enhancing nut shrinker.
Meat head: Usually used when describing a male who frequents the gym obsessively and only is concerned with “getting big”, and who possesses little or no other qualities or personality. He is overenthusiastic about lifting weights and whose thoughts consist of athletics, blondes, and sports cars. Often unaware of the majority of the English language and often communicate with others by using phrases such as “bro”, “dude”, and “sweet”. The dead giveaway of a meathead is if their attire includes a sleeveless muscle shirt, athletic shorts, and a lanyard for their car keys.
Health: 1. the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 2. Word to describe an awesome person/action/situation. Ex: Dude 1: I slammed two bitches last night. Dude 2: Aww man that’s health!
Vegan: someone who slaughters and kills fruits and vegetables.
Granola: An adjective used to describe people who are environmentally aware, open-minded, left-wing, socially aware and active, queer or queer-positive, anti-oppressive/discriminatory (racial, sexual, gender, class, age, etc.) with an organic and natural emphasis on living. Synonym: Crunchy. “I need more crunchy guys in my life. I’m so tired of dating preppy metrosexual assholes.” Attractive female version: Earth muffin.
Fat: According to Hollywood, what you are if you are a female weighing over 100 pounds.
Camel Toe: When a woman’s pants are so tight the actually fabric comes into their vagina, creating the two-mounded image of a camel’s toe. Ex: “The old woman in my Zumba class always wears hot pink spandex pants that give her major camel toe!” Male version: Moose knuckle. Often seen in Spinning class.
Sweat: To like or adore. Ex: “You sweatin’ that guy so hard!”
Badonkadonk: An expression for an extremely curvaceous female behind. Women who possess this feature usually have a small waist that violently explodes into a round and juicy posterior.
Moobs: A combination of the words “man” and “boobs.” This is what happens when fat gathers in a male’s chest area, and gives him the appearance of having breasts. Usually seen in overweight males, but can strangely also occur in men who are not really overweight. Synonym: bitch tits.
Salad: An attractive-looking female that looks as if she is worth having sexual intercourse with. Ex: “She’s a salad, I’d hit it, no questions asked.”
Fruit: Someone who is a flaming flamboyant homosexual.
Ghettorade: Generic or off-brand sports beverages. Ex: “We don’t have any Gatorade, but we’ve got some grape Ghettorade.”
Haterade: 1. A figurative drink representing a modality of thought. those who consume it are themselves consumed by the negativity which with they speak. Ex: “Suzy was hating on Jeromiah, so I asked, ‘Suzy, have you been sippin on that Haterade?’” 2. A trace vitamin that restores your ability to continue hating long after most people would give it up. Ex: “I had no more energy for hating the deserving bastard. So I bought a six pack of Haterade and continued all thru the night.”
iPod: The world’s smallest form of penis compensation. Ex: “Make sure you wear your iPod and white headphones everywhere you go while strutting around in your tight pants and white belt while listening to the latest Hawthorne Heights song.”
Study hard, Shedders!